Something in the river by the dream

The river has become stale and green algae has covered its placid surface. I am underneath the water struggling to break the suffocating layer of algae and take in a lung full of air. I see through the green haze someone on the river bank. He is me without the burden my body and my mind carries, with his hope intact and a safe life surrounding him. He strides away and leaves space for a new dream...

Parkinson's disease: the ham sandwich that wants his cheque

My body orders itself from the menu at the Parkinson's cafe, greedily devours itself and then pays the bill for what it eats.

Parkinson's is the process of my body defeating itself and I'm paying the price. The cause of the disease means, although I am not to blame for the loss of nerve cells, they are my nerve cells I'm losing; something that gives me control of my body is slowly controlling me, which means I can't leave the Parkinson's cafe and I can't stop eating...

Choice without a choice

"And the Oscar goes to..."

The prognosis of Parkinson's presents you with a dilemma: go and collect your Oscar but on the way up the stairs you will trip over again and again so you end up never reaching the podium. Or stay in your seat and watch the chance of winning an Oscar fade over time.

Treatment for Parkinson's, with all its side-effects, is seeing the hope of one day reaching the podium and reclaiming your life back; while at the same time watching your body inevitably get further from your grasp. One half of the coin makes you aware of the other half. The memories of better movement and the gap between then and now makes treatment a choice without a choice. You want to live with the opportunities the Oscar brings so you keep on trying to climb those stairs...

“Pineapple china”

Lyric by Robert Pollard, musical genius, Guided by Voices

I sit down in the comfy armchair and sink into its embrace. “Would you like a cup of tea?” I reply, “Yes please, milk, no sugar, I’m sweet enough!” I look around me and notice the flower wallpaper, the TV in the corner, the coffee table in front of me. It looks like a typical living room. But something isn’t right here; the TV is playing a movie in fast forward and I notice with lurching surprise I’m starring in the movie; I then become aware of thousands of cups pinned to the walls, like animal heads mounted as trophies; the wallpaper is filled with lilies and carnations. The doctor arrives with the tea but strangely the cup is made of stacked pineapple rings and the tea is leaking everywhere. I try to see the name on the doctor’s name badge and then my heart breaks: it reads, “Parkinson’s…”

Filling the silence

Parkinson’s is a deafening silence in your life; an open drain; a gap and a void. You can allow the silence and the void to grow or you can fill it with beautiful coping music.

It is the nature of music that each note is created from nothing, exists for a time and is enveloped by the nothingness of silence again. Therefore, coping with Parkinson’s is a process of continual renewal; of creating music to resist the silence and watching one sound fade only to create again…and again…and again... This is the burden of chronic disease.