Weight of the world

When irises grow the weight of their flowers become such that the stem cannot withstand the burden and it eventually bends and collapses to the ground.

As we grow up our heads are filled with emotion and experience until our personality and our life starts to blossom. Sometimes, the amount we have gone through, the depth of the emotional connection we have gained or an unexpected event or illness makes our head heavy and it drops to the ground. We are unable to shoulder the burden; such is the weight of stammering, depression and Parkinson’s.

However, the stem that supports us can be nourished with helpful strategies or positive thoughts to lighten the emotional load we carry. For example, the art of living alongside a problem or understanding the underlying cause can allow us to lift our heads again…

Border guard

The queue is forming at the border checkpoint and it is my job to scrutinize each thought before I allow them to take up residence in my mind.

In the past I never knew I had a job as border guard and I used to allow any thought to pass. The negative, unhelpful ones wrecked havoc once they settled in the country. But now I try to check the papers of each one. Take this next Parkinson's thought for example; sharp suit, greased back hair and brief case. His passport will be forged and he will promise he is here to promote "healthy" anger, defeat and mourning. There's no place for that thought.

Next please.

Self fulfiling prophecy is next in line. You can tell those ideas by the way they talk to themselves; they divert energy into telling themselves not to use energy on anything; they're not good enough. They are probably the most insidious thoughts you can meet. We can't allow them to pass.

Next please.

You do come across helpful thoughts; I normally wave them through. They have their papers in order and I've heard that once in the community of ideas they mobilise other thoughts and properly organise them. The most successful thoughts I've allowed to pass are self-compassion, thrownness, acceptance and living alongside a problem.

Next please.

The job of border guard is a continuous, difficult one. Sometimes you misjudge a thought or are overwhelmed by the crowds at border checkpoint and the unhelpful thoughts get in. But that's ok, you can't be perfect. I've just allowed another good thought to pass.

Next please...

Butterfly escape

I flap my butterfly wings furiously but all I do is crash into the pane of glass of the closed window. I see my future through the glass and spurred on by the vision I flap again and again. The sound of my wings rhythmically hitting the glass is a crazed drum beat. Exhausted, I finally stop and land hopelessly on my legs. I look up and see through the Parkinson's glass at the false sunshine outside; my heart sinks and without hope I beat my wings again...

When I saw a butterfly today insanely flapping its wings against the window and trying like a broken record to break free, I felt an empathy for its lack of adaptability and awareness. I opened the window and clumsily the butterfly flew outside.

But nothing can open the Parkinson's window for me...

Trust and Parkinson's

Trust is expecting something to happen; it is usually based on a promise made by another person and is the basis of all relationships in society. For example, I trust the person sitting next to me will not get up and stab me and I assume he trusts me in the same way. Trust is held in mutual balance until it is betrayed; if the person next to me takes out a knife I rapidly lose trust in him. Of course, trust is context dependent; if I am in a room full of murderers my threshold of trust is very high; enough to negate their potential actions (e.g. they are kept in handcuffs).

When Parkinson's enters your life, the disease sits next to you and brandishes a very big knife. Because a diagnosis is so unexpected you have nothing to equalize the relationship; you sit there defenseless. This disempowerment and unbalanced relationship shatters the trust you have in your ability to redress the balance; Parkinson's will acquire bigger and bigger weapons as time goes by and the feeling of exposure to its power will increase.

How can I handcuff Parkinson's and neutralize, as best I can, its possession of me? You can use the weapon of acceptance. Choosing to accept the situation you find yourself in, is to choose to look away from Parkinson's and see the rest of you. It is choosing to trust yourself to cope when it does attack.

Constantly looking at Parkinson's does not keep it in check; on the contrary, its threat is countered by living the rest of you...

Fruitless fruit

Stammering, depression and Parkinson's can take away the means by which my conscious intention, both physically and emotionally, is expressed. This raises a question: if the means of expression are missing, what is the value of the intention? If the fruit is not picked and withers on the branch what value does it have?

I have a fundamental need in me to care, to help out and to show empathy. However, to fulfil this need in actions I must have sufficient emotional and physical tools available to me. My problems have impeded the development of these tools; the fruit has grown but the means to pick it and give it to someone is not there.

Nonetheless, the value of this fruitless fruit is if I stop trying and allow the tree to die I destroy the possibility of ever giving the fruit away. At least growing the fruit, even if it is left alone and withers, includes the chance of someone reaching up, picking the fruit and giving their value to my effort.