Parkinson's and a sense of urgency

As Parkinson's appears to take more of my physical ability away, the greater the urgency I feel to live a proper life; which really means live the life I thought I would have. It is as if a TV playing the movie of that life has been left suspended in front of me; I try to reach out to grasp what could have been but all I touch is the flat TV screen.

This urgency for a life is a fear of finding something special when it’s physically too late. It is founded on what is missing, and is fueled by the gap between memories of my physical presence before Parkinson's and what I am now.

However, I can turn the TV off and realise the future I thought I held in my hands was nothing at all; by watching only the TV, I was trying to hold onto a future that I never held in the first place. Also, being dragged from myself misses the ability that remains in me; defining myself as the things I am not is infinite but what I am is a particular instant of myself.