Honesty

You mustn't be yourself, they say. You must follow our path, for it is the right one. They lie. You must avoid yourself and consume as we do, for it is good. Hide from yourself and be thankful for the hiding places we provide, they declare. Meaning is meaningful only with us. We will take your responsibility and answer for you, they answer. Emptiness is fullness at our table, they disassembling say...but, I reply, my heart remains hungry for something more.

Verily quoth I, the meaning of the world and those in it is equally unsubstantiated, untestable and meaningless as the perception of it. Authority is inconsequential pageant for, quoth I, all equally afear the dark of an indifferent world and their unjustifiable position in it. They all cry, "what is left?" 

I say unto you, "Honesty".

Take off the masks we wear, take back responsibility, learn to be yourself in all you are, learn to make mistakes because in their meaninglessness we can make of them as we wish. Does the burden of the childhood question "why?" scare you? Good, be scared! They scoff and laugh, "You don't know that?!" I say, "I'm glad I don't know your answer!" To pretend to know is to deceive yourself and close off your nature. Learn to say, "I don't know ". Question everything because there is no absolute reason we can wrap around our curse of consciousness to give us comfort. Your answer and your comfort is equally as made up as mine. We are in this together, not separately.

Question everything! There is no more honest way to be than with "I don't know". Only then can we know ourselves!

Fragile suspension

After years of driving on rough ground with three heavy passengers riding in the backseat (stammering, depression and Parkinson's) my suspension has started to wear out. Whenever I am in a pressurised situation my problems put on weight and become prominent, causing the weakened suspension to buckle; therefore making the journey more uncomfortable and the car likely to break down.

Recently my speech and depression has suffered with the burden of worsening Parkinson's symptoms. Why does Parkinsons have to attack such a weak spot as my stammer and depression?

I have spent quite a bit of time in the cognitive behavioural therapy garage getting my suspension repaired. I’ve been using the tools I’ve learnt to carry out the repair; the idea of thrownness (I am blameless for my problems but I can do something about them by reacting to them); my future is unwritten; I’m savouring the slice of cake I have (stop asking for the rest of the cake, you have got the whole cake!).

I am sat in the garage taking a break from the repairs, drinking powdery hot chocolate from the drinks machine they always have in the reception. I look towards my body on the car ramp and I think, “We’ve been through a lot together! Hang on in there and I’ll try to repair you to get you going again!”

What is beautiful?

Where does our concept of “beauty” come from?

Beauty is aspirational but it is also a mere convention. Who is deemed beautiful and the standard we are measured by is a fabrication designed to make you feel inadequate so you attempt to buy the means to be “beautiful”. Fashion, cosmetics, music stars, film stars, celebrities are based on this. “Beauty” is designed to make you spend money.

It is also based on a ludicrous assumption that we have fallen in love with. Judging somebody suggests that you hold that person responsible; for example, we judge academic or athletic performance because we assume that the person being judged actually did the work. We apply this same logic when we judge whether somebody is “beautiful”; we assume that they are responsible for their facial features and body type. However, our genes determined these characteristics when we were developing in the womb. You did not choose either your genes or these characteristics because you are incapable as you are developing to control the process of your development; control is only possible once you are outside of the womb and the developmental process has come to an end. Therefore, you are not responsible for the state in which you exist in the world, which includes how “beautiful” you are. Indeed, nobody chose your facial features or body type. It follows that when you judge yourself or others to be “beautiful” or “ugly” your judgement doesn’t apply to that person; nobody is responsible. Therefore, the statement “you are ugly” is devoid of meaning and can be shrugged off; it doesn’t apply to me, I’m not responsible; it’s the same as judging me for a murder committed in 1783; in no way can I be responsible. It simply makes no sense. This reasoning also applies to judgements about the colour of your skin or your gender.

We are beautiful for who we are and what we do in this life because these can be our responsibility.

Please, don’t judge somebody solely on whether they are “beautiful” or “ugly” because you are really judging nobody when you do that!

Trusting myself

I have lived under the burden of self-doubt all my life. It’s as if I have worn multiple layers of clothes and it has made me feel stiflingly hot and deeply uncomfortable. Try to imagine not hearing your own voice and not identifying with your voice; try to imagine feeling you are not in control of your mind and feeling you are in a constant battle with yourself; imagine not connecting with your body and not feeling in control of it. These are the layers of stammering, depression and Parkinson’s self-doubt I have been consumed by. I reacted to self-doubt by trying to control everything and when I couldn’t control everything in the world I would add more layers of self-doubt clothing.

I have emerged from those layers during the past year: ironically since my diagnosis of Parkinson’s. I have recognised that those self-doubting layers of stammering, depression and Parkinson’s are just a part of my thrownness (or the state in which I exist). I focused on those things to the exclusion of almost everything else. I didn’t notice the person beneath those layers. I neglected myself in the all out warfare of proving myself and filling in the void of self-doubt.

I have emerged battered and bruised and severely dehydrated. I am only now learning to drink the cool, refreshing water of trust. Trusting my breath and my voice; trusting the stability of my emotions and my mind; trusting my mind to connect to my body; trusting the future and my ability to still do things; trusting the value of myself and my ability to be me.

Appreciation

If I died tomorrow (fear not dear reader, this writer will be writing the day after tomorrow!) I can say in all truthfulness, “I’ve had a great life”. You may say in disbelief, “But your stammer, depression and your Parkinson’s?! You don’t have children. You’ve never been married. You have been lonely, frustrated, lost!”

These things are true. But they do not dismantle my life. I love and spend time with some extraordinary people. I continue to explore the wonderful complexities of life and my place in this world. I feel privileged to inhabit my mind and to have access to the knowledge, experience and wisdom I have accumulated. I have absorbed some remarkable art, music and ideas; I enjoy the challenge and thrive on provocation and exploring different intellectual landscapes.

It is true that in death all this will fade away. But I can say, “I lived my existence to the best of my ability; I tried…” Thinking about what I will lose when I die makes me think of the extraordinary gifts and opportunities I have at this very moment (despite my problems and difficulties). Because life is robustly fragile we should live at the edge of our present and continue to learn and develop. Looking far into the distant future increases the risk of tripping over something in the present and falling off the edge of life without actually living a life.

Appreciate all that we were thrown into this world with and enjoy the process (and not just the goals) of life.

Live the dash!

On your gravestone it will read: born on this day - died on this day. Your whole life is compressed into that dash.

What does it mean to be born? What does it mean to die?

It is impossible to verify whether you were something before you were thrown into the world (born) or you will be something when you are thrown out of the world (die). The world is the place where we know we exist (we are something here and we are aware of it) and this existence is filled with thought and sensation. Thought has a limited structure (e.g. we are aware of thinking our own thoughts) and is filled by sensations from our limited senses; our ability to think and sense are both generated by the process of being born. The structure of thought and the senses fall apart when you are thrown out of the world. Therefore, you were nothing that could experience before being born, in life you experience and then you become nothing again.

Why do we try to grasp nothingness? It is because of the value of the something we have in life. Instead of trying to understand the nothing and built comforting religions to cover up the “horror” of not knowing, allow the hard edge of experience, beyond which “no traveller returns”, to reflect back to this life and to the state in which you exist. As Heidegger says, thinking of our birth and death brings us face to face with what we have gained in being born and what we will lose in our death; in other words, it brings us back to ourselves as we exist in this present moment. This means being aware of things like Parkinson’s but also seeing this as only a part of you.

“Our little life to rounded by a sleep” but what is important is being awake when you live this life in this world. Live the dash!

3. Somebody I know - learning to live alongside difficulties

Possible steps to a solution

One of the main lessons I learnt from my breakdown was acceptance of the many challenges of my life. If I could meet the challenge of severe depression then I can overcome anything! So, I decided to take on the challenge of scientific research, which was something I had wanted to do and a goal that had survived my breakdown. I applied for research assistant jobs and to my surprise I was offered one in Oxford. I did say I liked challenges! I moved to Oxford on my own and I was successful as a research assistant. I gained a huge amount of confidence. After 3 years I was offered the chance to do a doctorate (DPhil) at Oxford University. Of course I said yes! I like a challenge!

During this time I attended a speech course with speech therapist Dr David Ward. He taught me a technique called “the slide”. I have difficulty moving from the first sound of a word (e.g. “f” in forty) to the vowel sound (e.g. “f” to the “o” sound in forty). I would say the “f” sound but get stuck in the transition to the “o” (e.g. “fffffffffff…ffffffffff…”). The slide is designed to ease the transition (e.g. “fooooooorty”). In essence it is deliberately stammering but in a controlled manner. When I used it I could get past the block and link up with the rest of the sentence I had in my mind. Then it hit me like a cold shower that becomes warm: for the first time in my life I could hear my voice!!! I could recognise my mind within my voice! I could be me! This had a profound impact. The explosion of stammering blocks no longer deafened me to myself. When I stammer now I have a better perception of the fluent parts of my speech. I can hear me and not just the stammer.

During my DPhil I felt the pressure and expectation and worked very hard on my project and as a result fell into depression again. I went to the University counselling service where I met a brilliant therapist, Ruth, who introduced me to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and the philosopher Martin Heidegger and his book “Being and Time”. In particular, Heidegger’s idea of thrownness: we are thrown into the world in a particular state but we are not to blame for this state; we did not choose whether we are male or female, have two eyes or have a stammer… Hang on, did you say I’m not to blame for my stammer?! It was a revelation! I wasn’t to blame for my stammer! This had a huge impact!

Another idea of Heidegger that complemented this was his notion that the process of being thrown into the world had a special type of momentum. Although our specific thrownness is fixed we have the potential to use the “tools” of thrownness (the structure and varied function of our body) to do a huge array of things; and we can choose how to use the tools. We live in a world where there is always something left to do.

I then read Kant’s “Critique of Pure Reason”. In it Kant develops the idea that how we view the world determines what we see. We impose a structure onto the world in the way we think about the world. This gives us great power in determining the meaning of our world.

I could bring these various strands together to weave self-compassion and acceptance into my life. I could hear my voice, I wasn’t to blame for my stammer, I always had something left to do in my life and I could interpret the world how I wished. This led me to conclude that I could be my voice, there was no reason to hate myself for something I wasn’t to blame for and there was no need to be dragged around by my stammer or depression anymore; I could take control in how I reacted to difficulties.

The two mountains have been brought closer together.

Parkinson’s disease

During the last two years of my DPhil I was unknowingly suffering the onset of Parkinson’s disease. Again, through determination and fortitude (and the invaluable support of my family) I managed to finish my DPhil despite suffering from Parkinson’s (not many people who graduate from Oxford can say that!). When the Parkinson’s diagnosis came I was grateful to my stammer and depression for teaching me how to cope with a chronic, incurable disease; unknown to me, I had been in training all my life! Thanks to my equally brilliant current therapist Angela I also found space for me within Parkinson’s like I found space within my stammer and depression.

I now see the immense value of the process of life. It isn’t about the goals we have set ourselves: it’s about how we live our life. Achieving something teaches me what I already know already; the process teaches me what I didn't know. This is possible because there is always something left to do in this life...


Please read part 1 and 2...

I remain intact

I'm surprised at myself but it's also a feeling of liberation. I'm starting to not care about my stammer. I've travelled so far with the burden of trying to climb outside of my thrownness and be a fluent speaker; I tried to escape from my own skin; I was terrified of the means by which I talked and neglected to appreciate the process of formulating a thought and being me. I cared about my stammer and I forgot to care about me.

Now I realise no matter how well or badly I express my thoughts, their value remains intact. As I stammer my value is preserved. I'm not located in my listeners comprehension of me; I am located right here in my thought and in the openness I show. Can you see me? Do you approve of me? I am beginning not to care about such things.

If I want to focus on my stammer and miss the rest of me that's a choice I can make but in no way does my own choice diminish me. I persist.

If you want to focus on my stammer and miss the rest of me that's a choice you can make but in no way does your choice diminish me. I persist.

This can lead me to loneliness or togetherness, happiness or sadness, contentment or agitation; wherever it takes me I realise now that my stammer does not dismantle me. I remain intact...

"All was as cold as any stone..."

I used to think of myself as the surface of a block of marble: as if I was dragged towards the outside limit of myself and became my surface by the opinion of others. I was mistaken. I am also the figure within the marble but I am free to be in any part of my interior. I see this thanks to the presence of Parkinson’s in my life. It has chipped away at the exterior of the marble and revealed parts of me I never knew existed (e.g. courage, even greater stubbornness and a fighting spirit). As in sculpture, taking away something can also be a means to add something.

The tragedy of Parkinson’s is it doesn’t stop chipping the marble away…

Beneath the surface

Perhaps it is the pervasiveness of the visual world or the power of visual media or just convenient, easily consumed and profitable shorthand for what is deemed good in us, but the way we look is held as our supreme social capital. A spurious "ideal" body type is constructed in magazines, movies and on television and our value is how similar we are to this "ideal".

I find this curious; because my Parkinson's is separating the thin layer of control I have over my body, it has demonstrated to me the value of what is initially hidden from view yet invaluable; my mind.

The way I look, my body type, facial characteristics, skin colour, gender, Parkinson's symptoms etc were determined before I was born and therefore wasn't my choice. The ability to choose emerges only when we are in the world; this means we can choose only when the process that determined our visual appearance has come to an end. Yet we take the way we look, relative to the "ideal", as who we are.

However, the one thing that remains closest to who we are throughout our life is not the surface, it is our mind. We have more control over the way we think than what happens to our body. But we judge each other by the way we look, something we didn't choose.

Therefore, when we judge based on appearance alone (and not on the contents of a person's mind) we are likely to miss the person being judged.

Being thrown into the world - embryonic development and the creation of you

You were once a single cell...

All biography begins with birth. When we were born the process that threw us into the state in which we exist came to an end. It had been successful in attaining for us a unique place in the world. Our thrownness became a settled issue and our potential became an open door.

Every single person that has ever existed was created by the processes leading to birth, collectively called embryonic development. This is the origin of us and our shared humanity, we all attained existence through the same genetic mechanisms.

You were once a bundle of cells...

30,000 genes encoded by your DNA directed the development of that single cell into a human being. It did this by telling your cells to divide and differentiate into the structures of your body. These genes had to determine where your head and feet were going to be, which was your back and which your front, where your left and right would form. It carefully built each organ and laid down tracks of arteries, veins and nerves to connect each part of the body. Muscles and tendons were sculpted around your growing bones. The most complex structure in the known universe, the brain, was also being formed. Your heart began to beat.

You were once the size of a grape...

All the main structures of the body formed when you were about the size of a grape. Your genes then instructed your cells to divide rapidly to enable you to grow into a foetus and and then a baby ready to be born.

Thrownness is fixed...

The events of embryonic development are irreversible; once they occur they become fixed and form the next stage of development. This means any mistakes, for example nerve cells becoming susceptible to Parkinson's or the vessels of the heart form incorrectly, become part of your thrownness and the state in which you exist. Once you are in the world and embryonic development has come to an end, you cannot unravel your development to when the mistake happened and correct it. You can only cope with it after it has become fixed in you.

Prejudice, hatred and empathy

Harm

Human beings have a seemingly infinite capacity to cause harm to other human beings. History, as one testament to this, is soaked in blood and hatred. The source of the cruelty inflicted by people is the failure to identify with the victim; not seeing them as sharing the same value and having the same ability to feel suffering and joy as you.

This lack of empathy leads to the vilest word ever invented: "subhuman". Such a contradiction (human is not human but still human) is a void that draws the basest cruelty out of people. It can justify such horror and prejudice.

Prejudice has three main stages:

One - Discrimination says, "you have no right to be different". This reveals a deep insecurity about who you are if you cannot tolerate difference; the existence of different people doesn't have to threaten or undermine who you are.

Two -  Segregation says, "you have no right to live amongst us if you are different". This can manifest as separate social areas for different racial groups, separate living areas (ghettoisation) and then exploitation of the isolated population (slavery).

Three - Elimination says, "you have no right to live if you are different". Adolf Hitler demonstrated to humanity the ultimate end point of prejudice; the systematic and industrial scale murder of whole populations of people deemed different (holocaust).

Discrimination amounts to punishing the person for their difference, whether skin colour, gender, intellectual or physical limit etc. The assumption of a victim's responsibility for these characteristics is totally misplaced. DNA threw you into the world with these things already determined but they were not chosen by you. Responsibility is a consequence of the ability to choose and this only comes once you are fully in the world (e.g. it is absurd to accuse me of a crime before I was born). Therefore, we are not responsible for those characteristics determined before our birth (e.g. susceptibility to Parkinson's or why we have two eyes). Blaming and punishing people for these things is absurd.

Love

Human beings also have an infinite capacity to love other human beings. This is our contradiction. Love starts with empathy: the ability to imagine yourself as somebody else, feeling what they might feel and valuing your feeling.

Dealing with meaningless suffering

Nietzsche says that what causes anger and indignation is not suffering but the meaninglessness of suffering. We could endure our suffering if there was a reason for it; for example, the agony of childbirth is accepted (otherwise no woman would give birth!) because it allows new life to enter the world. However the majority of suffering in the world is not causally linked to some good.

To help us endure this world and its “veil of tears” we had to invent gods and an afterlife to find some sort of meaning. The presence of a god is to comfort those who suffer; for example, when something bad happens most people pray to a god, even though, at the very least, this god was passive when the bad thing happened; the desperate need to find meaning in suffering outweighs logic and reason.

The presence of Parkinson’s in my life and the suffering it causes is senseless. There is no reason for the fact I was thrown into the world with a susceptibility to Parkinson’s. I’m not to blame, nobody is to blame, no god is to blame, no thing is to blame; it just is. Looking for meaning when there is none makes suffering meaningless. Engaging with the search and setting up a reason that simply isn’t there leads you nowhere. It is immensely comforting to imagine a benevolent all powerful god or to blame the sufferer for their own suffering in original sin (and thus giving an illusionary sense of control). Yet these things are entirely illogical: god is seemingly without the benevolence or power to stop my suffering and how can you be guilty of original sin when you didn’t ask to be thrown into the world? This is breathing in bad air and coughing uncontrollably.

We all have the freedom and choice to disengage from a meaningless search and look for ways to be alongside our suffering. We also need to learn to live with not knowing the reasons why when there are none; instead focus on the how of suffering and what you can do about it.

What is it to be free?

We have no choice but to think; thinking occupies our every moment and is characterized by our ability to think different thoughts. This forms the essential freedom to think at least one more thought. How do we use our freedom? This is the crucial question facing us all; the curse of consciousness allows us to ask, what should we do next?

Our freedom is not absolute; we cannot change our thrownness (i.e. the state in which we exist) because the process of being thrown into the world has finished for us (we are in the world so we cannot influence how we came into the world); thus, you cannot change the nature of a cake once it is baked; you can add ice cream to it but we are fundamentally already who we are. This means that I cannot change my susceptibility to Parkinson's.

Therefore, our limitations limit our absolute freedom; but within the boundaries created by thrownness there is space and freedom to explore; thrownness builds a house with a limited number of rooms that we must inhabit but we are free to wander around the house. The vehicle for this exploration is thinking one more thought; the structure of thought may be limited but thought can accommodate many different varieties of thinking. Part of my thrown limitations is my Parkinson's but I have the choice of what my next thought concerning my disease will be. I can be told by Parkinson's to stand still or I can resist and try to move both physically and emotionally. This choice is my freedom...

A shared difference

We are all different yet we are all the same

Some people flee from this contradiction and only see difference; disability, skin colour or gender etc are seen as markers separating humanity into convenient, easily defined groups. Yet such definitions are selective and shallow. They miss the shared depth literally born from the way all of us were thrown into the world; embryonic development prior to our birth formed the same structures in our bodies; this is what makes us all the same. Each instance of this process is unique as it occupies a separate position in the world and as such the person thrown into the world will have different experiences of the world; this is why we are all different.

There is something we were thrown into the world with that links our similarities and differences: Empathy for myself and other people. Empathy discovers who we are in our uniqueness and what we share with others. We can appreciate and celebrate our individuality and also the individuality of other people; we share the same ability to be ourselves even though we are different.

Fixing up

My nervous breakdown taught me four lessons that have helped me live alongside my depression, stammer and Parkinson's:

1. I have a deep reservoir of resilience and determination I know I can call upon. Going through severe depression teaches you to recognise such strength. Depression is not a sign of weakness but of strength!

2. I recognised there is space for me to live alongside the depression (and stammer and Parkinson's): I was still me as I travelled through my breakdown. I had depression, I was not depression. In this space I found I could be in the audience to my own thoughts; I could hear my negativity as the emptiness it is; it is a false narrowing of the world. In developing this awareness I gained distance from the raw emotion and I could live alongside my depression (and stammer and Parkinson's).

3. Being comfortable in the space you occupy is not blaming yourself for how you occupy the space; for example, you did not choose your gender, skin colour, susceptibility to depression (or stammering or Parkinson's) etc; these things are part of what Heidegger called our "thrownness". You were thrown into the world with these things but responsibility is an effect of this process not a cause. I have depression (and a stammer and Parkinson's) but I'm not to blame for their possession.

4. Heidegger's idea of thrownness includes the observation that in life there is always one more thing to do (a "not-yet"), which means we are never stuck. We have a fundamental freedom to think at least one more thought; to react to our thrownness and circumstances in our lives; this reaction is our responsibility and our choice. This is where we are located and where we heal ourselves.

Freedom

Every person is born free of chains and is free throughout their lives. This freedom is present at each instant of our lives; I guarantee you are exercising your essential freedom right now.

You are free to have at least one more thought…

Within this ability is the seed of choice and hope; the freedom to change the contents of thought and the world; to develop and evolve; to cope and thrive.

Thrownness locks and unlocks doors

We are thrown into the world with a specific set of keys. During our life we encounter a range of different doors and we test if they will open. When we go through the doors that our keys unlock they lead to other doors that can lead to good or bad experiences.

The state in which we exist is limited but pregnant with possibility. Parkinson's is part of my thrownness, I have a key that opens that particular door and I must cross the threshold, but it can lead us to resilience and determination. We had no choice over which keys we got but we can choose our reaction to the doors that open (and those that remain closed) and where we find ourselves.

We don't know whether one of our keys will fit nor what is behind each door but it is our lot in life to keep on trying the locks...

The cost of disability - a cautionary tale

I think I need to apologise to my body and myself because I have played out the true cost of disability: loneliness. I was thrown into the world with a stammer, depression and Parkinson’s but the presence of these things is not my fault (they weren’t even chosen for me, they just are). What is my responsibility is how I manage these things and in the past I tried to contain their effect on me (and other people) by closing myself down. At the time it seemed like a good strategy when not one, not two but three very difficult things were punching me in the face every second. My strategy was to dull the pain. But, looking back I realise my strategy introduced a fourth entity that threw punches; I see myself standing over myself joining in the beating. I was defeating myself by shutting myself away and making loneliness almost a certainty. It helped to stop the beating by seeing the thrownness of my problems; I am not to blame for their presence in my life nor am I a slave to them.

So, I’m sorry body and mind for making your (and my) isolation more likely. I built barriers around myself to keep my disabilities away but I ended up keeping away everything else; I also stopped myself from reaching over the barriers and sharing myself. I’m sorry you haven’t been wanted. I see the choice I have to change this and I’m trying to make up for lost time before Parkinson’s potentially takes the possibility away.

Disability can be defined as physical difficulty engaging with the world (I see mental ability as having a physical basis so this includes mental difficulty). Our world contains varying physical terrain we have to manoeuvre ourselves in and around. There is another terrain we have to negotiate with, that of society and the interaction between people. Disability can lead to isolation in both types of terrain. I’m not sure which is worse; having difficulty getting to a social event or once there, feeling alone in a room full of people. Help should be given to battle both types of terrain isolation.

Bits of me: what other people see

As I walk around the world, I sometimes catch a glimpse of my reflection in shop windows, mirrors in bathrooms etc. I see the stiff right arm and rigid fingers, my tremor, the roundhouse way I swing my right leg, my walking stick and blank facial expression; and I wonder if this is what other people see or do they notice me beneath the Parkinson’s uniform (like a person beneath a police uniform)?

I feel a vast sea of emotion inside me and swim endlessly in it but I only see raindrops of me scattered on my Parkinson's-infused reflection. How can other people see through the fog of Parkinson’s to the self-aware, emotional entity I am? 

We need to explore beneath the surface of the people we see and not judge them for our judgements; be open and react to them and not to what you expect them to be. My Parkinson’s symptoms were not of my choosing, they are symptoms of my thrownness. We are each an individual act of being thrown into the world, a process we had no control over (so why are we judged for what we are?); but, within thrownness there is choice of how we react and this is the centre of who we are.

The next time I see another person or glimpse my reflection I will try to see beyond the surface. You have that choice too…