Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Going for a wander and making up new recipes

I never used to go for a wander around my mind. I used to stop myself because I didn’t trust that there would be anything to find. Sad, isn’t it? It all comes from my old friend stammering; the difference I perceived between the fluent voice in my head and the dysfluent voice I heard when I spoke undermined the value of my thoughts. Because I perceived that the fluency in my head, the very nature of my thinking, was distorted and corrupted by my stammer, I didn’t trust myself to do justice to my thoughts in the expression of them.

I trusted my ability to digest and take on board knowledge, I just didn’t trust myself to carve my own path through that accumulated understanding; I could follow a recipe but I wouldn’t allow myself to make up my own recipe.

That has changed now and it is thanks to Parkinson’s. As my physical ability has suffered it has, in contrast, brought forward the ability of my mind and made me very aware of the value and privilege of having a functioning mind. That sense of value has allowed me to trust my mind. My writing is a testament to the new found joy I have of wandering around my head. Isn’t it brilliant to be able to think and not constantly judge yourself?

When I started to write this post I didn’t know where I would end up; I just had a vague notion of describing wandering around my head. I opened myself up and developed the ideas as they arose in my mind. I was making up the recipe you are reading; for me, the process of coming up with the different steps in the recipe tastes good!

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