Friday, 6 December 2013

Trusting myself

I have lived under the burden of self-doubt all my life. It’s as if I have worn multiple layers of clothes and it has made me feel stiflingly hot and deeply uncomfortable. Try to imagine not hearing your own voice and not identifying with your voice; try to imagine feeling you are not in control of your mind and feeling you are in a constant battle with yourself; imagine not connecting with your body and not feeling in control of it. These are the layers of stammering, depression and Parkinson’s self-doubt I have been consumed by. I reacted to self-doubt by trying to control everything and when I couldn’t control everything in the world I would add more layers of self-doubt clothing.

I have emerged from those layers during the past year: ironically since my diagnosis of Parkinson’s. I have recognised that those self-doubting layers of stammering, depression and Parkinson’s are just a part of my thrownness (or the state in which I exist). I focused on those things to the exclusion of almost everything else. I didn’t notice the person beneath those layers. I neglected myself in the all out warfare of proving myself and filling in the void of self-doubt.

I have emerged battered and bruised and severely dehydrated. I am only now learning to drink the cool, refreshing water of trust. Trusting my breath and my voice; trusting the stability of my emotions and my mind; trusting my mind to connect to my body; trusting the future and my ability to still do things; trusting the value of myself and my ability to be me.

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