Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Why am I surprised?

I’ve just had an almighty stammering block while talking on the phone. Predictably, the old feelings of shame, frustration and self-hatred rose in my mind. But I suddenly overheard another reaction; I was surprised I had a block! I’ve been stammering all my life so why was I surprised?! Its like being surprised I can see when I have eyes. Stammering is part of me; of course I don’t want a stammer but stammering is something I do. It is part of me (but not the whole of me).

I think I was surprised because I have tried for so long to deny my stammer. However, it is impossible to push yourself away. Trying to deny something of your self causes pain. I stammer because I am a stammerer. It would be strange if I didn’t stammer! This is not to say I am only my stammer, I am a lot of things because my thrownness as a whole is larger than any one part of me.

The same logic applies to my depression and Parkinson’s; I shouldn’t be surprised I manifest the symptoms of these conditions when they are part of my thrownness. For example, I went to get my hair cut today and I noticed in the big mirror the blank expression and tremor of Parkinson’s. Again, it shocked me. But of course I show those things, I’ve got Parkinson’s! It is part of me.

Accepting my disabilities is learning not to be surprised by them.

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