"Ain't it a life?"

My life is a juxtaposition and a contradiction. At one moment I'm accepting of my situation and the next I'm embroiled in frustration. I refuse to inhabit the role of a Parkinson's sufferer and then lose myself in the disease. I never take things for granted but I mourn the passing of the time when I did. My expectations and my future struggle to come to terms with what’s happening to me now; everyday tasks take up more of my capacity, leaving undone love and happiness and acquainting me with fear and onlyness.

My initial blissful ignorance slowly gave way to understanding the Parkinson's role that was thrust upon me at diagnosis. Awareness can be a curse. I’ve tried to climb the learning curve, slipped many times but managed to keep on going. It is an uneven journey, which best reflects the nature of the disease; Parkinson's is constantly changing and I'm always trying to catch up.

In mundane everyday life, there is dignity in the struggle with undignified Parkinson's; bravery in being honest about my disease; courage in taking another step; real achievement in learning to live alongside Parkinson’s disease. But to what purpose? To help others with my example? Maybe struggle has no meaning except learning to struggle in a better way.

Is this a life? It is my life.