The prognosis of Parkinson’s is like a big spider that wanders after me wherever I go. If I turn around and try to kick it away another 8 spiders appear and follow me. If I then try to kick these away another 16 spiders appear. I’ve learnt the habit of trying to run away from the spiders by being constantly active and exhausting myself in achievements; whether it is writing, going to Yoga, visiting family and friends. I think if I can stay ahead of the spiders then I can keep my disease from overwhelming me.
However, trying to run away is the same as trying to get the spiders to leave me alone. Actively engaging with the prognosis just causes my fear to increase and more and more spiders to appear. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like I am exhausting myself by trying to bake and eat as many chocolate cakes as possible to give me enough energy to run away before the spiders overwhelm and crawl all over me. It is inevitable that I will vomit up all that cake and the spiders who follow me will eat it and grow stronger. Therefore, I need to go on a diet and eat less cake and try not to exhaust myself. I need to learn to not engage with the spiders because it is my focus on them that keeps them in sight. By living alongside my disease and trying to eat sensible portions of cake then the spiders will walk past me and disappear into the unknown future.
This is my 250th post!
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